


amor eget reactionem

by PunchSystem



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: ? - Freeform, Connor surives AU, Dysfunctional Family, Falling In Love, Heavy Angst, Light Angst, M/M, Pining, Self-Harm, Slow Burn, Suicide Attempt, Triggers, idk what else to write bro, larry & cynthia murphy mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-27
Updated: 2017-07-27
Packaged: 2018-12-07 18:40:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11629548
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PunchSystem/pseuds/PunchSystem
Summary: Zoe looked into his eyes twice today. First at breakfast, second when they waited for the bus. She gave him a look of encouragement that he blew off the second he noticed. He knew his eyes were swollen and red, he wondered if Jared would drop a comment. He also wondered if he hit him hard enough he could make him shut up.





	amor eget reactionem

**Author's Note:**

> so here yall have some pining connor

 

 **1.Norepinephrine  
** Connor Murphy. Con-nor. Connor. Con- _nor_. For some reason his name didn't make any sense to him. As his thoughts droned on and on, he decided to take another hit from his blunt. Zoe had a sleepover at her friend's house and both of his parents were either watching TV or sleeping. If he didn't go to school tomorrow, his Mom will call his name twice, knock on his door once, and it will be silent until 10 A.M. and his father will come stomping into the room.  
He has approximately 9 hours to kill himself. Minus around 2 hours for him to bleed out. 7 Hours. 7 Hours. 7 Hours just like a Friday school day. Didn't he have history tomorrow? Too bad, he actually liked Mrs. Brown.  
He twisted the razor in his finger again. What time was it now? Too late to call his Dealer. Fuck, he spent his last money on Smirnoff he didn't even drink; and he only had one gram left. Now or never right? He knew he was stalling.  
_Right.  
_ One hour later he punched the wall, which was followed by a frightened scream from his mother and an angry knocking on the door from his father. He stuffed his razors away, patched up his arms, and cursed to himself that he didn't cut deeper this time. With every knock growing louder and louder, he rolled into a fetal position. Sleep came fast this time. He didn't bother to thank God.

 

 **2\. Dopamine  
** Zoe looked into his eyes twice today. First at breakfast, second when they waited for the bus. She gave him a look of encouragement that he blew off the second he noticed. He knew his eyes were swollen and red, he wondered if Jared would drop a comment. He also wondered if he hit him hard enough he could make him shut up.  
So in a turn of events, Mrs. Brown was a horrible Teacher who not only thanked him sarcastically for attending class today, she also felt the need to put up teams for the French Revolution project. Hansen was his partner, and being the wallflower he was, he started cowering when he sat next to him. _He wasn't a fucking bully, god damn it._  
  
After letting out a sigh, Connor gave him a deadpan look and said "I'm not gonna beat you up, Hansen." he said without even a twinge of reassurance. "Look, just tell me what to do, and I'll do it. We meet now and when we present, that's it." Connor said, not exactly in the pleasant way he hoped for. His hard fist wasn't meant for the poor kid, it was meant for himself.  
Evan slowly shook his head. "We- uhm, we actually need to plan this out. So no one writes down something wrong and we get a good grade."  
Connor stared at him with the look of anger. This unsettled Evan enough to start working on the project until the bell rang, while Connor just watched him.  
_Fucking hell Hansen._  
But as cowering Hansen looked, he slipped his address into Connor's hand and asked him to come over at five.  
For some unexplained reason, he already came by at four.

 

 **3\. Phenylethylamine  
** Hansen has three Posters on his Wall. One looks like its a collage from kindergarten times. One with Batman which looked way to scratched up and one with a cat that says "Just keep hanging." Mom, Dad, Mom. In that exact order.  
"Okay, so, uh, 1789 to 1799, which means we could split it up in 5 years for each person. We could talk about the uprising together, do our parts an-uh I'm sorry, I didn't want to- like, do you, have like, an idea for-"  
Hansen nervously scratched his head and looked at him for a second, just to turn away to look at the window.  
"No, its good. I can do the last five years of it. We can finish together by saying...how it ended, or some shit." he spoke and reached for his backpack. Hansen nodded and started looking up his information, but after a while he stopped listening to Connor rummaging through his backpack and he handed him a black marker.  
"There are more in my pencil-case. Like, if you want.." Something in Connors mind sprung up.  
_No. No its stupid. No. Don't. Stop, you don't even-_  
"Hey, you want me to sign your cast?"  
An hour later his cast is signed, they are too deep into their research and the only noise that was heard was the TV rerunning Gilmore Girls. When Hansen's mother came in later that evening and called them for Dinner, it is 9 A.M. already and Connor realized he actually felt hungry for the first time in a while.

 

 **4\. (C8H11NO3)  
** For three days straight they met up, did their schoolwork and ate dinner at the Hansen's. Connor didn't cut himself. He neither burned himself or beat his legs until they bruised. He only cried once in the school bathroom and twice at home.  
It's not that he dedicated himself to being better. He just pulled through with the help of-  
"Oh great, look at me! My name is Connor Murphy and I don't give a shit about anything, unless it's about me or my drug addiction!" Zoe screamed from across the Hall. Their parents were working, and that meant that there were no borders between them. Connor dug his fingernails into his pale arms.  
"Fuck you! You have no idea-"  
Zoe danced in a circle and started to mock him. "Fuck you, you have no idea what I'm actually going through with my daily teenage angst. Get a grip, Connor! There is a reason Dad wants you to at least make it into a community college!"  
It happened too fast for his brain to cope, and all of his pent up anger lead him to what it always lead to, violence. He grabbed the nearest mug from the coffee table and threw it in her direction. She squealed and held her arms protectively over her head. A few seconds went by when his ears got that horrible ringing sound again and then he crashed back into reality. He started to scream and hold his head, trying to drown out the noise.  
"I hate you, Connor." He heard Zoe whisper, she had a lump in her throat and started to weep as she walked past him.  
He was clean for 3 Days and around 18 Hours. His leg ached the next day and his bad habit of being proud of his bruises visited him once again.

 

 **5\. (C8H11NO2)  
** He and Hansen presented and both got a A- for their Work. Mrs. Brown stopped him after class and told him how proud she was and wished that he and Hansen would work together more often to help him catch up the missing topics.  
And he actually did try to talk to Hansen, but the moment he arrived he saw Jared and Alana, and the latter excused herself right after, nodding at him before passing through the hallway.  
"Hey, well isn't that Hansen's _new best friend_." A fist bump landed on his shoulder. Hansen kept silent. So did Connor.  
Jared rolled his eyes. "Whatever. Evan, don't forget to tell your Mom." Hansen waved before standing in front of Connor, only now he noticed the height difference.  
"So, A- huh?" Evan asked awkwardly and held on to his backpack as if his life depended on it.  
"Yeah." Connor answered.  
"Do you want to come to my place today?"  
"Yeah."  
Hansen gave him a time and smiled.  
Connor's heart began to rise as he smiled back

 

 **6\. (C8H11N)  
** They met everyday after school and started chatting every evening when Connor came home from meeting. They began to sit at lunch together. Alana managed to tolerate him, and Jared kept spouting his comments until Connor approached him after school in the parking lot with a dark glance and a few warning words.  
_And yet he somehow still sits here._  
Evan and him haven't argued once, and when it came close Evan reluctantly agreed with him and stayed silent for the rest of the conversation. Evan persisted, until Connor's angered father called to ask where he was and when Evan took the side of Connor's dad, he flipped.  
"What the fuck do you think I'm doing here, Evan? You have your perfect life with your loving mom and your two best friends. You'll go to college and learn to be doctor or some crap. What do I have, huh?"  
"You have me. You're my friend." He looked down and fidgeted around with a piece of paper.  
Connor started laughing. "Yeah, whatever Hansen." He started to pack his stuff into his bag.  
"No, wait, please I'm sorry, please stay." Evan got up and tried to grab Connor, only to let his Hands fall on his sides again before even trying.  
"I shouldn't have come here. This whole idea was stupid." He glanced at Evan's cast, which was placed on the dresser under the posters, before taking it and throwing it in the trash.  
"Leave it , Hansen. We can move on and pretend all of this never happened okay?" Connor said and shouldered his backpack. He didn't expect the other one to walk in front of the Door.  
"No. We- we are gonna talk this out now. You are wrong. You could have just like, told your Dad you are coming here, and everything would have been cool." Connor shook his head.  
"Hansen. I'm serious, just get of my way."  
"No." Evan puffed out his chest, and crossed his arms, not even avoiding his gaze this time.  
"You cant even climb a fucking tree, stop pretending you can hold a door."  
"You're wrong."  
"Hansen." He took a step forward.  
"I didn't fall, I jumped."

 

 **7\. ~169,1778 g/mol  
** Connor tried to avoid Evan after that. They talked, and talked, and at one point they both fell asleep on the floor. He tried to comfort him, which through some miracle actually made Evan feel better; and then he actually slipped up and told Evan his secret too, only now he began to feel awkward.  
Its not like he didn't trust him, _In fact he trusted him more than himself_ , but for how long? What if he tells it his parents? He didn't want to go to therapy, he isn't some Psychopath, right?  
_"Shit, this is bad."_  
So, he tried to avoid him, not that it actually worked. He dismissed him twice today and now he looked like a kicked puppy. So they met up at lunch again and everything went on as normal.  
And Connor was happy again.  
.  
.  
.  
_Oh no._

 

 **8\. ~153,18 g/mol  
** His Parents wanted to adopt a dog. The local shelter saved a bunch of them from a puppy farm and so they thought it could bring a little bit of calm into their family.  
Zoe was the first to say she had Ideas for a name. Both Larry and Cynthia were glad that the past few weeks had enough peace between their kids that they could start working on other things than berating Connor for blasting his music.  
It took him half an hour to build up the courage to knock on Zoe's Door and another minute for her to actually answer.  
"What?" she asked, the door was opened only a few centimeters.  
"I'm sorry, for like, back then. I was so angry, I-"  
"Okay." She closed the door.  
_"I'm always so fucking angry."_ Connor thought to himself.  
"I just wanted to know what.. what name you would give the dog." He asked, getting more silent by the word.  
A few seconds went by before Zoe spoke up.  
"Luna if its a girl, and Ares if its a boy. Its not my decision alone, Connor, go think of something." He nodded even though she couldn't see it.  
"Also I accept your apology. I'm..sorry too, okay?"  
"Okay."

 

 **9\. ~121,18 g/mol  
** He was pining for Evan Hansen.  
_He was pining for Evan Hansen._  
Evan. Ev-an. Weird.  
Also two Syllables.  
Connor Hansen.  
_No, shit, stop._  
A month ago he was sure the only thing he would ever get off too was Pamela Anderson's Summer Calendar. Now he spends his days laying in bed and wondering what kind of date they would have in Fall, Winter and Summer. Strawberry or Chocolate. Marvel or DC. Does he sleep with Boxers or Briefs?  
They hung around the tree farm more often, he told Evan that if they both had any similar thoughts like back then, first thing they should do is call each other and vent. So Evan gave him this dorky smile again which made his heart ache and drop.  
_Fuck_  
He still doesn't have a therapist. Sometimes he screamed in his house until he felt it vibrating back into his bones, but he was clean. 7 Months and 24 Days to be exact.  
They named the Dog Luna.  
Evan is now on a different Medication, and it he says hes not sure if its better or worse but he will try.  
The School Year isn't over yet but Connor still isn't sure if his GPA will make it.  
He is kinder to Zoe. And she is kinder to him.  
There are still too many problems to solve. Too many messes to fix, but as they walk back to the car, he takes Evan's hand.  
Nervously he looked over to his left. The scrawny kid smiled back at him and gripped Connor's hand tighter.


End file.
